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All I've got is me.  
01:27pm 23/12/2008
I wish someone would tell me I don't have to be perfect and mean it.

My parents could say it, but they wouldn't mean it. They still love me when I screw up, but they love me less.

Jen could say it, and she might think it's true, but it wouldn't be. She idealizes me so much, just like I've idealized her for so many years. However, as I grow older, I'm realizing that Jen isn't as perfect as I've believed her to be. Her life, in fact, hasn't been anymore exciting than mine; she's just an incredible storyteller. Also, she's not that nice. Her stories weren't just skewed to be exciting, but were of course skewed to her point of view. She's always been completely kind to me, of course, but to people she has real relationships with? She's been bitchy and frustrating. Jen's going to realize who I really am, someday, and it's going to be different.

Jake could say it, but I really doubt he'd mean it. He absolutely loves me less when I screw up and hurt him. I think so, anyway.

All I've got is me. I hope that's all I need.
mood: lonely, stilllonely, still
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My life moves quite quickly.  
05:46pm 13/12/2008
I really need to start updating this again. I broke up with Mason because I don't love him like he loves me and it's not fair to make him go through that pain and confusion. I still love him, though, and every few days I have to stop myself from begging him to take me back. I really need to meet up with him. I don't even know if he's okay.

Jake and I are close again and I'm so happy about that. The simplest way I can find to describe our relationship is that we are each other's guardians. He loves a girl named Jolene, who lives in Chicago. I didn't ask if he were in love with her right away because I didn't know if I wanted to know or how I would or should feel either way. I brought my concerns to him, as well as my worry that if he has fallen in love or when he does, we'll lose our bond (as he's the only person I've been completely in love with and I was the closest he'd ever come). He answered that he's not in love with her, but he's closer with her than he was with me. However, he doesn't feel any differently about me.

My reaction was what I had hoped for. I had a few minutes of emotional shock, but now I feel completely glad for him, though also sad for both of them because Jake is going back to New York in a few weeks. If he does fall for her and they stay together, I hope I get to know her someday. She has to be an amazing person.

Part of my jealousy stemmed from the fact that I feel like everyone else has a somebody, and I don't. I can't get used to the fact that I'm not even a little in love with anyone. I need a knight in shining armor! Is that too much to ask for?
mood: safesafe
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Big week.  
12:46pm 22/11/2008

While talking to Ainsley last Sunday, I realized that Mason loves me more than I love him. I realized this because I didn't feel guilty about sleeping with Ainsley. Ainsley feels guilty about sleeping with me, even though her boyfriend is okay with it, and even though she doesn't strictly believe in monogamy. It's just that when she's in love, she really only feels like being with that person. Now, I don't think that's true for everyone, but I think it may be true for me. When I was really in love with Jake, I only wanted to be with him. He didn't expect me to and he, in fact, was with many other people while I loved him. I was okay with that, but I only wanted him. I don't feel that way about Mason, but Mason feels that way about me.

I do love Mason, but not totally and completely, not like I loved Jake, and not how I think Mason loves me. I feel horrible about this. I feel so conflicted. I don't know if I should leave Mason because of this. I know how much it will crush him if he knows, because I know how much it crushed me when I loved Jake more than he loved me. I feel like I'm cheating him by staying with him, but at the same time, Mason really needs me right now. I hate that he needs me.

While realizing all of this, all of my feelings started to sound eerily familar. It dawned on me that this was exactly how Jake felt about me. He loved me, but not like I loved him, and that was the motivation behind all of his actions. I couldn't understand it before and because of that I villainized him. I realized how much I must have hurt him by refusing to speak to him, by being so cruel to him.

So, I contacted Jake again. I told him about how I'm feeling about Mason and that I understand, now, and that I'm so sorry for how I acted. And suddenly, we're friends again, and I'm so happy about it. He knows me better than anyone, and he's such a nice, funny guy. I hated not being able to run to him with our inside jokes just because we fucked things up romantically.

We hung out on Tuesday night and talked for a few hours. At first he was silent and shaky and wouldn't look at me. He was afraid that we were going to end up like we were again, and I was going to leave again. He was certain it was going to happen. Also, he said that what he still wants, more than anything, is to love me like I loved him. I argued that that is a ridiculous thing to desire, still, because I don't want that anymore, I don't want him like that anymore. Finally, he said, "Fuck it. Let's be friends." From then on, we were just ridiculous! More inside jokes were created as we reverse prank called a wrong number to my cell. We talked about everything, though. When I talked about my confusion with Mason and Ainsley he held me just like a good friend.

I'm really happy to be friends with him again, but I don't know how to tell people. Jen knows, and Ainsley knows, but that's it. I'm afraid no one else will understand, and will be mad at me and think that I'm after him romantically again. I'm not that stupid, though. There's always a moment to choose whether or not you're going to fall for someone, and from now on, I can always say no. I know exactly how it feels to be in love with Jake - horrible. But we're great as friends.

Last night I had to work until midnight thirty, which sucked. My friend Bri came to visit me, though, which was nice of her, and she brought my birthday present - underwear and lip gloss! After work, I headed to Lainey's birthday party. It had died down, mostly, but I hung around with Lainey and Genevieve (a girl who met my lips before the rest of me) and Ainsley's butthole boyfriend, Hutch. Well, I guess I should stop calling him a butthole. He's a nice guy, and a good friend, but he's a serious ass to Ainsley. I'll talk about that later. Eventually, Genevieve and Hutch left, and my friends Matt Shrier, Matt Robinson, and Matt Conway came over, back from a local show. Way too many Matts at once! Matt Conway always just goes by Conway, though, so that was a little better. My friend Michael came over after that, too, and we all drank and made pepperjack quesadillas and passed out in Lainey's room. It was a nice night.

This morning, Lainey and I had a Bob Evans morning-after breakfast, and talked mucho. Lainey is the platonic love of my life. I basically live in her apartment on the weekends, and we always claim the bed together when everyone else passes out on the floor. She is totally insane, which is acceptable, if you know how even more crazy the rest of her family is. She also has Lyme disease, which really sucks. Poor thing. She has arthritis in all her joints, and because of this can no longer dance. She used to dance with me, you see. We were partners in crime at Orchesis. She's also not supposed to eat sugar or drink or do drugs, but she just ignores those rules. Unfortunately, that means mornings after are ten times as terrible for her. Also, one glass of wine will fuck her up and cause a major hangover in the morning. I am praying for a miracle cure for her.

Anyway! Back to Bob Evans. We talked about Ainsley and Hutch's relationship, and particularly how Hutch treats her. Ainsley was also at Lainey's party before I was last night, but apparently, Hutch almost completely ignored her. This was not an isolated occurrence. Every time I've seen them together, he acts like she's not there unless he wants sex, and even then they'll go to a back room to do their thing, and then he'll ignore her again! This is utterly ridiculous. Ainsley is obviously hopelessly in love with him, and she is a gorgeous, amazing girl. Moreover, this is NOT how Hutch acts when he really likes a girl. Lainey knows from experience, since she dated Hutch a little right before he got together with Ainsley.

See, the story with Lainey and Hutch is that they've known each other for years and years, and Hutch has always had an unrequited crush on her. Lainey tried going on a few dates with him, but found she just didn't like him like that. Hutch has always been super attentive to Lainey, and they would have hours long conversations when they were together. He treats Ainsley, however, like a pain. She doesn't have a car, but it seems like he's always too lazy to pick her up. Despite this, she spends most of her time at his apartment, and often walks there. She lives TEN MILES AWAY. Their relationship is totally unhealthy. I am not okay with this.

Lainey and I's plan is to make her hang out with us at Lainey's more often. Lainey said she and her got along quite well last night and Ainsley seemed comfortable there, which is a great development, as Ainsley is usually really shy and awkward in new places with new people. I think it would be really good for her to have time away from Hutch, and more importantly, friends other than Hutch, Hutch's roommate, and Hutch's BFF Cappy.

So, that's the update on me life for now. There will hopefully be another party tonight.

music: Tilly and the Wall, "Sad Sad Song"
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Good weekend (at least so far)!  
11:49pm 15/11/2008

Everything is fixed and good again, and my party was lovely. On Thursday night, Mason and I talked. It turns out that what he was so upset about was not the fact that Ainsley and I hooked up, but that we did it at a party and two of his friends walked in on us and everyone knows about it. I can't believe I hadn't even thought about that. I am a serious stupid. I apologized immensely for embarrassing him, and we talked quite a bit and we are very good, now.

Friday was my party! It was very fun. It got crazy packed in Lainey's apartment for a while. There were so many people there that there wasn't enough oxygen, so the carbon monoxide detector went off. We had to unplug it and open windows. Quote of the night: "You know it's a good party when you have to unplug the carbon monoxide detector." That was my friend Hank. Not all of my friends showed up, but that's okay. It was really nice, especially when it got chill at the end. We made hot cocoa with Peppermint Schnapp's and it was DELICIOUS. Lainey got me a t-shirt that has two owls saying, "Who," and "Whom," and Mason spent $50 and six hours on a classic chocolate cake AND a Jewbear cake! It was basically a Carebear with a Star of David on its stomach, and was made of marble cake with raspberry filling. Mm. He is amazing.

Today Lainey and I watched Link TV at her parents' house for a while. Link TV is amazing. They play programs from all over the world, including Arab Labor, a hilarious Israeli sitcom. You can watch a lot of it online, so I'm definitely going to be a regular of their website, now. I wish I got that channel.

The only shitty thing about the past few days has been that on Friday, Jake, my ex-love, left me a message revealing that he's still hung up on me. Great. I really don't want to open those wounds again.

mood: contentcontent
music: Debu, "Mazhab Cinta"
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I don't know what I want.  
10:48pm 12/11/2008

Argh. On Sunday, Mason snapped on me in front of his friends. I shushed him while we were watching a movie and he said no and shoved me away from him. Though he apologized, he later revealed that he's been mad at me for hooking up with Ainsley since it happened.

I hate when people send me mixed signals. If he was mad, he shouldn't have acted like everything was fine. You're not supposed to see a girl all the time and cuddle with her and make her cakes with her pet name (Jewbear) on them when you're mad at her, right?

Now I don't know what I want or what to think or what to do at all. We haven't spoken much since Sunday. He's sent a few random texts, but I've just sent few-word answers. He led me to believe that he was okay with the situation, that he understood my curiousity and desire to experiment and that it doesn't mean that I don't love him and want to be with him or even that I want to be with anyone else. I honestly wanted him there when it happened, and if it happens again I want him to be there. And he told me that's all that he was upset about; that he wasn't there, that we didn't talk it out beforehand.

These past few days I haven't had any clue what was going to happen next. I haven't felt the desire to be in a relationship with Mason anymore. However, I also haven't felt the desire to be with anyone else or the desire to be single. I've really just felt indifferent to any romantic and sexual possibilities. This a major reason why I've been avoiding talking to Mason. I don't know what I want, yet.

I hope this indifference goes away, because I know I have to talk to him tomorrow. I don't want any decisions to be made before I know how I feel. I feel obligated to talk to him tomorrow because my birthday is on Friday. My friends Lainey and Marissa are throwing a huge party for me, and I want it to be great. I haven't really had a birthday party since junior high, and nothing like this ever. This will be my last birthday in town with all of my friends that I love and I want it to be marvelous. If Mason and I are still topsy turvy, I know I'll be upset. This will only be magnified by the fact that Ainsley will be there with her skeevy-ass boyfriend. He really disgusts me, and he watched Ainsley and I hook up at the beginning, and I hate knowing that. I don't want to see him, but I'm almost certain Ainsley will bring him along. It'll hurt, not just because his face will remind me that he's seen me naked, but because I like Ainsley a little. Mostly as a good friend, but I am physically attracted to her. I know I could never be in a relationship with her. No, that's a lie. I could. Ugh. I know she's not interested in me romantically, though, and I think she regrets hooking up with me. Not because she isn't physically attracted to me, but because I think the only reason it happened is because she was contacted by her ex-girlfriend, whom she's still in love with, which upset her, and she needed to be with a girl.

I hate to see Ainsley with that sleezebag because of all I've heard from her about how he mistreats her emotionally. Also, I know that he flirts with my friend Jess when they hang out, and around a month ago they used to hang out every weekend. I have suspicions that they were hooking up at that time, and not just because I don't like Hutch (the sleezebag). Jess told me that she's had a few "weekend boys," after telling me about a recent one-night stand, and that Hutch is one of them. I didn't ask her to elaborate because I didn't really want to know.
Speaking of Jess, frick, I miss her! I haven't hung out with her in almost a month. She's coming to my birthday, though, thank Vishnu. I'm sure no matter what's going on with me, Jess will make sure I have a good time. She and the rest of my friends. I love them so much. My friend Brennin may come, too, which would be exciting. Brennin is crazy cool, but we only started hanging out this summer, and she left for college in August. I have a habit of making amazing friends right before they leave town.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm confused and indifferent, I don't know what I want, I have to talk to Mason tomorrow, and I'm super psyched for my birthday. The big 1-8! I'll update soon on what happens with my relationship(s) and my party.


mood: confusedconfused
music: Ani DiFranco, "Here For Now"
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Sick day.  
06:58pm 06/11/2008
Today I decided to take a day off of school since I haven't allowed myself to yet, though I've been sick for a good two weeks. There's just been too much to do! Last week was tech week and performances for Orchesis, so I couldn't take a break then, and this week I had to get the school newspaper ready for print (I'm an editor) and try once more to understand Calculus. So, after getting the newspaper finished and deciding Calculus is a lost cause, it seemed like time to work on my health. Thus, I spent the majority of today sleeping.

So, today was mighty boring, but the last few days have been slightly less so. I dressed as Sarah Palin for Halloween, and looked awesome, in my opinion. I was proud of how big I got my hair to be, considering how short it is. I spent the night party hopping with Mason, but all the parties we went to sucked, so we ended up falling asleep watching Ghostbusters, after watching Young Frankenstein at his friend Trevin's.

The performances went really well and I was quite proud of myself. All of our concerts are choreographed by students and made to revolve around a certain theme. This semester's was "The Games We Play," which was mostly left open for interpretation. I chose to choreograph a piece based on the board game Clue, and it turned out perfectly! I titled it "The Butler Didn't." (I think I'm really funny.) We even had a raffle in which you would choose the character you thought would be the murderer (as it changed each performance), and if you were right you had a chance at winning half of the raffle money. I danced as Mrs. Peacock and was the murderer on Saturday night. 'Twas great fun. I also did my thang in a hip hop piece choreographed by my friends Sarah and Lindsey (a.k.a. Gemini to...each other).

Monday and Tuesday nights I had rehearsal for a local annual performance, Holiday Spectacular. It's basically a rip off of Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Spectacular. It's all pretty terrible other than the Rockettes (of which I am one). However, though we always receive the most applause and compliments and draw in the majority of the audience that isn't just there to see their grandkids sing off-key, the directors/management show the dancers no respect. Fortunately, we're all too wise to take any of it seriously, especially those of us who have been doing it for years. The only reason I do it is to hang out with my friend Bri. My friends Sarah and Elizabeth from Orchesis are also doing it this year.

On Tuesday night I also had my Chinese class at the local community college. It is so hard, and it takes forever to learn, but that's why I'm taking it now. Even though the class isn't for credit, I'm hoping to get a head start before I start classes in college. China's going to be the most important country of this century, you know.

After school on Wednesday I felt like bum so I did my homework and then tried to take a nap. However, everytime I started to drift off I would convulse. I felt like I did when I took codeine last June (legally - I had mono and couldn't breathe without hurting). I don't know what's wrong with me. I also had a fifteen minute nosebleed in the morning, which sucked a lot. I hadn't had a nosebleed in years. I couldn't even remember how to stop it. I tried leaning back, which I quickly learned was a wrong move, as after choking on my own blood I coughed it up all over my bathroom sink. So, I plugged up my nose, ran to the computer, Googled it, and had some success with the interweb's advice.

I swear my life is more interesting than this. The weekend's update will be better, for sure.
mood: sicksick
music: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Cheated Hearts"
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Ni hao! Je suis Camille. Try to keep up.  
05:00pm 05/11/2008

Camille. New York, Spring 2008.

Hello, hello. New Livejournal. I've had one before, but not in quite a while, and this time I'm trying something different. I want to update often, though everyday is certainly never going to happen. I plan to write about my life and post pictures but not tell anyone I know in real life about it except perhaps my BFF Jen. I guess I mean I don't want the people I'll be writing about to see it. Not that I won't be writing about Jen, but I'll always only have good things to say about her and she lives forever away.

So! I think my life is sort of interesting, and has become more so in the past few months. I'm seventeen, though turning eighteen in nine days! (I was ten days to young to vote and PISSED about it, but Wise America succeeded without my help anyway. Barack to the future!) I live in central Illinois, I've attended Catholic school (and hated it) since kindergarten, and am now a senior in high school. I'm a total nerd and I really really want to go to Princeton or NYU for International Relations and East Asian Studies so that someday I can be the Ambassador to China and/or save the world! That's the plan, anyway. I dance a lot, especially in Orchesis Intercity Dance Company, a high school dance class/performing group that completely changed me as a person and provided me with some of my best friends. The majority of my friends are entirely amazing, and almost all partly crazy. I love anything and anyone atypical. I listen to all sorts of music, from Hanson to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs to Lil' Wayne and everything in between, seriously. Heathers is one of my favorite movies of all time. (Winona Ryder was so fine in that movie! And Christian Slater! And they were TEENAGE SERIAL KILLERS. So good!)

I've been in a relationship with a remarkable ninja/pastry chef named Mason for a little over six months. However, I've been bi-curious for about a year and recently hooked up with a girl for the first time, this girl being my friend Ainsley, who is super cute and super cool. I tend to spend Monday through Friday going to Orchesis and school, putting off my homework and reading or watching TiVo instead, working at the local ice rink (I'm basically a hockey mom for hire - I feed and clean up after hockey players. Figure skaters, too, but whatev.), and occasionally hanging out with my friends and my Ninja Chef. Weekends are generally spent also working, going to dance rehearsals, and going to parties.

So, there's the about me stage. Read on for updates about daily life!

mood: optimisticoptimistic
music: Le Loup, "Planes Like Vultures"
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December 2008  

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